Christ Speaking -- Matthew

This list shows the "spoken version" of each verse of Christ's words in Matthew. It adds interactions with audiences, pauses, and other interactions you would see in a spoken presentation. The word order follows the order of the original Greek much more closely than other English so that the humor works correctly, especially the punch lines. This work is being done as part of a new version capturing the Gospel of Matthew from a different perspective.
Matthew 22:4 Again, he sent forth other servants,
Matthew 17:23 And they shall kill him,
Matthew 14:31 O you of little faith,
Matthew 21:33 Hear another parable: There was a certain landowner who planted...
Matthew 23:5 But all their works are done to be seen by men:
Matthew 18:3 ...Except you be converted,
Matthew 14:16 They need not depart; give them to eat.
Matthew 15:3 Why do you also transgress
Matthew 21:2 Go into the village across from you...
Matthew 17:7 Arise, and be not afraid.
Matthew 16:2 When it is evening, you say, fair weather:
Matthew 23:2 The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat:
Matthew 15:17 Do you not yet understand,
Matthew 16:13 Whom do men say that I
Matthew 17:26 Then are the children free.
Matthew 21:43 Therefore I tell you, The kingdom of God
Matthew 23:8 But do not let yourself be called Rabbi:
Matthew 15:8 This people draweth nigh unto me
Matthew 21:39  And they caught him, and cast him
Matthew 23:10 Neither are you called masters:
Matthew 15:18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth
Matthew 16:17 Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: f
Matthew 17:27 Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them,
Matthew 21:44 And whoever falls on this stone shall be broken:
Matthew 23:9 And call no man your father upon the earth:
Matthew 15:19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts,
Matthew 16:18 ...That thou art Peter,
Matthew 20:8 So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard...
Matthew 22:8 Then he said to his servants, The wedding is ready,
Matthew 23:11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.
Matthew 22:7  But when the king heard thereof, he was wroth:
Matthew 13:44 Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure
Matthew 15:20 These are [the things] which defile a man:
Matthew 16:19 And I will give to you the keys of the kingdom...
Matthew 18:4 Whoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child,
Matthew 20:11 And when they had received [it],
Matthew 22:11 And when the king came in to see the guests,
Matthew 23:12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased;
Matthew 16:15 But whom say ye that I am?
Matthew 22:9 Go therefore into the highways,
Non-Jesus Verse: Matthew 24:3 The Apostle's Question
Matthew 15:24 I am not sent but unto the lost sheep
Matthew 16:25 For whoever will save his life shall lose it:
Matthew 20:13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend,
Matthew 22:13 Then the king said to the servants,
Matthew 23:13 But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!
Matthew 17:12 ...Elias is come already,
Matthew 22:10 So those servants went out into the highways,
Matthew 14:18 Bring them here to me.
Matthew 15:26 It is not good to take the children's bread
Matthew 16:26 For what is a man profited,
Matthew 20:14 Take yours and go your way:
Matthew 22:14 For many are called, but few are chosen.
Matthew 23:15 Woe unto you...for you compass sea and land to make one proselyte
Matthew 22:12 And he said to him, Friend, how
Matthew 15:28 O woman, great [is] your faith:...
Matthew 16:27 For the Son of man shall come
Matthew 20:18 Behold, we go up to Jerusalem...
Matthew 22:19 Shew me the tribute money.
Matthew 23:23 Woe unto you...for you pay tithes of mint and anise and cumin,