Christ Speaking -- Matthew

This list shows the "spoken version" of each verse of Christ's words in Matthew. It adds interactions with audiences, pauses, and other interactions you would see in a spoken presentation. The word order follows the order of the original Greek much more closely than other English so that the humor works correctly, especially the punch lines. This work is being done as part of a new version capturing the Gospel of Matthew from a different perspective.
Matthew 10:37 He who loves his father
Matthew 26:53 Did you think that I cannot now pray...
Matthew 13:44 Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure
Matthew 13:46 Who, when he had found one pearl of great price,
Matthew 23:4 For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne,
Matthew 15:5 But you say, Whoever shall says [to his] father
Matthew 16:4 A wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are they that mourn...
Matthew 22:7  But when the king heard thereof, he was wroth:
Matthew 15:6 And he need not honor his father nor his mother.
Matthew 16:6 Take heed and beware of the leaven
Matthew 22:8 Then he said to his servants, The wedding is ready,
Matthew 20:6 And about the eleventh hour
Matthew 5:33 ...You shall not forswear thyself,
Matthew 15:7 Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you,
Matthew 16:8 Oh you of little faith, why reason
Matthew 22:9 Go therefore into the highways,
Matthew 15:8 This people draweth nigh unto me
Matthew 16:9 Do you not yet understand, nor remember
Matthew 20:8 So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard...
Matthew 20:9 And when they came that [were hired]
Matthew 5:40 And if any man sues you in court,
Matthew 5:44 But I tell you, Love your enemies,
Matthew 5:48 You will then be perfect,
Matthew 6:1 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men
Matthew 7:1 Judge not
Matthew 22:4 Again, he sent forth other servants,
Matthew 18:9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out,
Matthew 9:37 The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few;
Matthew 19:23 Truly I tell you, That a rich man shall...
Matthew 9:24 Give place: for the maid is not dead,
 Matthew 22:18 Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites?
Matthew 18:6 But whoever shall offend one of these little ones
Matthew 18:7 Woe unto the world because of offences!
Matthew 18:8 Wherefore if your hand or your foot offend thee,
Matthew 28:19 Go you therefore, and teach all nations...
Matthew 28:20 Teaching them to observe all things
Matthew 14:31 O you of little faith,
Matthew 7:3 And why do you see the mote in your brother's eye,
Matthew 5:5 Blessed [are] the meek...
Matthew 7:4 Or how do your say to you brother, L
Matthew 7:5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine
Matthew 5:12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad...
Matthew 7:13 Enter in at the narrow gate:
Matthew 5:13 You are the salt of the earth:
Matthew 7:14 Because narrow [is] the gate,
Matthew 5:14 You are the light of the world.
Matthew 7:17 Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit;
Matthew 5:16 Let your light so shine
Matthew 7:18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit,
Matthew 7:19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit
Matthew 7:21 Not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord,
Matthew 5:20 ...unless your righteousness exceeds
Matthew 5:21 ...You shall not kill; by them of old time,
Matthew 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you:
Matthew 5:23 Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar,
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not think about tomorrow:
Matthew 5:34 ...Swear not at all;
Matthew 6:23 But if your eye is evil,
Matthew 15:10 Hear, and understand